I Gave Up the Church I Dreamed Of... And Yet..

2012 was a year of incredible pain & growth for me.  It was the year I lost my faith, I lost my church, and I lost my way.  It was also toward the end of the year that I rededicated myself to finding all of those things.  And ya'll.  It is a journey!  Sometimes a painful & heartbreaking journey and sometimes one that is full of joy and wonder and amazement.  I wouldn't trade this journey for anything.  Even though it is marked with significant heartbreak....

I attended General Conference in 2012.  General Conference is the gathering of United Methodists from around the world that makes our church law.  It's where we determine who we are and where we're going for the future.  Nothing could prepare me for what I experienced there.  Our delegation prepared well for legislation and what conversations would happen.  I talked with people who had been who tried to warn and advise.  And yet there was still nothing that could have prepared me for what I would experience.  

It was because of General Conference 2012, I lost my church.  Well, that's slightly dramatic... I lost the church that I had dreamed of.  I watched people I deeply respected act in ways that were embarrassing and hurtful. I watched as dear friends and colleagues were deeply hurt by votes and conversations.  And I watched as everything sort of exploded in the end and we wondered what all had happened.  

I know that my heart & soul were tender because of what had already unfolded in the year.  I had a minimal belief in God, and yet still clung to the church.  Or at least what I saw the church as.  And General Conference seemed to reveal something different.  It revealed an ugliness that I had pretended didn't really exist and I was confronted with it head on.  

In my journey of rediscovery of faith, church, and just life, I gave up the church that I had dreamed of.  I had believed that if I dreamed hard enough, it would just be true.  It was a delusion that I convinced myself of.  It was painful to recognize that. And yet...

It also forced me to accept the Church as she is.  Flawed and fragile.  Fearful and trying to be Faithful.  Lost and Found.  Being Perfected and yet so Far.  And for me these realizations made the church so much more beautiful and incredible.  

These realizations made me welcome the church as it is & understand how we all got to where we are.  And yet, it also didn't make my dreams for what the church could be disappear.  I can accept the church for who she is and still work on the church that I dream of. 

I have waffled during this General Conference how much I actually care.  I have quipped that I give 0 f**ks and that I give all the f**ks.  And that I hold to the idea that "All will be well." All of these things are true at the same time.  

As things have been unfolding and hopes and fears have been confirmed or destroyed this year at General Conference.  (And we're not done... there is more to come!).  I continue to accept the Church as she is.  Flawed and Fragile.  Fearful and trying to be Faithful.  Lost and Found.  Being Perfected and yet so Far.  And I recommit myself over and over again to continue to build the church that I dream of.  A church where all are welcomed and helped to find who they are as people of sacred worth.  A church where people are challenged to do what others say can't be done.  A church where people are committed to making the world a better place here and now and for the future.  A church where failure is welcomed and celebrated as we experiment and live into our calling the best ways we understand it.  A church that is playful and full of wonder and amazement.  A church where the Divine surprises us and challenges us and comforts us as we do that same for one another.  

Whatever happens at General Conference, I am still committed to building the church that I dream of and I'm grateful for the heartbreak that drew me to this place. 

Passion & Possibility

So...When did you know?  Whenever I meet someone for the 1st time & I tell them that I'm a pastor.  Then, I always get the comments about my age or being young...As a young adult in ministry, it's easy to feel like the only one...Although I had some younger pastors growing up, I never thought it was possible to be young & be a pastor.  I think that's part of the reason that I wanted to be a youth director & not a pastor.

Enter a helpful associate pastor & an invitation to Exploration 2000...Exploration is a United Methodist discernment event for young people to hear their call into ordained ministry in the United Methodist Church.

I went to Exploration 2000 in Dallas, TX...I pretty much knew what my call was, but I wasn't sure that I could actually answer it yet...I honestly don't know how I got to Exploration-- I remember it being my 2nd plane ride ever and going with a former pastor of mine...And I'm not sure that I totally remember any of the speakers from the event...Although I looked at a list recently & they were really good-- people that I read now and think are amazing!

What I remember was looking around the room & not feeling alone...I remember sitting in my small group and not feeling crazy...I remember being a part of worship & feeling the presence of God in new ways...I remember talking to people at the seminary tables & feeling slightly overwhelmed, but very excited... I remember leaving thinking that I actually could answer the call that God had whispered.

As Exploration 2011 nears and young people are registering & speakers are preparing & the design team is working hard, my prayers & thoughts join with all who are blogging & praying today (and everyday of course!) for the event...I continue to pray for those who are hearing the whisper of God & think they're too young or they might be a little crazy or they feel alone.  Trust me, you're not.  If you need to have a large confirmation of that, attend Exploration.

Exploration 2009

Registration for Exploration closes on Sept. 30 and there are still 74 unclaimed full registration scholarships. If you are 18-24 and seeking to explore a calling into ordained ministry in the United Methodist Church or you know someone who is...This is the event for you! In addition to the full registration scholarship, many Annual Conference provide support for travel as well. Hope to see you there!

Call & Response

Beginning in 8th grade, I started teaching Sunday school and while the first year I fought it a little bit harder, I loved teaching. I was one of the weird ones too who really enjoyed confirmation. Church was important for me until I turned 16 and then it became more important for me to get a job and have a car. I was marginally connected to church, but let's be honest...if I said I was half there, that was generous.

My senior year in high school a new associate pastor was appointed to our church and I hadn't met him until Lent...At a church supper in Lent, Travis Bonnette-Kim told me that I was going on the mission trip that summer. Of course my response was, "NO!" with a few other phrases thrown in there...So...I went on the mission trip that summer....

Kneeling at the communion rail at the end of the trip was when I heard God say to me, "You are my child and I have called you to be my servant. Go and do my work and I will be with you always." At that moment, I told God that was great, but I already had a plan in mind and God was just going to have to figure out how God fit into that!

I started college with the intent to double major in music & education...not even halfway through my 1st semester, I discovered that I hated music theory, which is a problem if one wants to major in music! The place where I felt the most at home was working with the youth group on Sunday nights.

So, I went to Travis again and told him that I thought I was going to go into youth ministry...He started to give me all kinds of information on seminary and ordination, and throwing all kinds of information at me when I told him, "I want to be a youth director, not a pastor." and of course he just said, "Okay, come and talk to me when you're ready."

A few weeks later, I can't tell you who was preaching in worship, what was happening in the worship service or anything about the day at all...I just remember being in worship and hearing God say to me, "That's what I've called you to do."

I would love to say that after that things were simple and I followed whole heartedly...but that's just not true. I argued with God quite a bit and fought my call even when it seemed like I was being faithful. The response to the question, "why do you want to be a pastor?" for me really is..."I don't want to...God wants me to!"

One of the things that Travis had told me when I was wrestling with all of these things was, "It is okay to question, when you stop questioning that's when you have problems." Which has been extremely helpful for me both in wrestling with my call and with issues of faith.

I am extremely grateful for the women clergy that I have had in my life. Sandra Bonnette-Kim offered many resources when I was confronted with the question "can women be pastors" and I had not had to answer that question before. Joy Starwalt provided practical advice when I called about doing weddings & funerals & how to preach...Marian Adell was the 1st pastor that I worked under and I can't tell you how much I learned from her in just the year that we were together--I only wish that we could have worked together longer so that I could learn more from her.

Theologically, I have been grateful for those who have challenged and pushed me...Andrew Sung Park helped me to understand that it is okay to be a mystic and accept that part of my spirituality...Dick Eslinger helped me to find my voice in preaching...Larry Welborne opened up Paul to me in a way that I never thought was possible!

Working with the United Methodist Church especially on the general church level has given more opportunities than I think I am even aware of...The network that I have made with people around the connection is unbelievable! The access that we have to resources among members of the UMC are amazing! I am so grateful to be a part of this wonderful church.

It doesn't mean that I don't still question or doubt or disagree with the church, with other Christians, or with God...I do and I'm sure that I will continue to do so throughout my life. But I don't live in those places and while they are deeply a part of who I am as a pastor and as a Christian and as a United Methodist, they are not where I place my faith, hope and trust.

I am hoping that next year I will be ordained as an Elder in the United Methodist Church and continue to serve God in the way that God called me..."You are my child and I have called you to be my servant. Go and do my work and I will be with you always."

Not Pop Culture Related...

Well, I realized that pretty much since Lent my posts have been related to Pop culture (Idol) or posting my sermons...So, here's something a little bit different!

I'm coming up on my 2nd year anniversary of graduating from United Theological Seminary and also my 2nd anniversary of being appointed to my first appointment. So, of course that means that now I've been going for 2 years, I clearly have it all figured out!

So, here are some observations that I have made and some advice that I would like to pass on to the new seminary grads...For those other clergy who read this, feel free to add your observations & advice as well!

1.) Beware of the elusive "someone"
It's pretty clear in one on one conversations when the other person says, "Someone should take care of that." But when an individul uses "someone" in their conversation basically that means: "Anyone but me" or in many cases, "The Pastor"...

2.) Beware of "people"
Just like the elusive someone, there are the elusive "people." As in: "People are upset" or "People don't think that's a good idea." Typically that means "I am upset" or "I don't think that's a good idea." When people start talking, someone needs to take care of it...

3.) Don't play ping pong.
My DS gave me an article entitled, Don't Let Your Critics Set the Agenda....If you do that, you're playing ping pong between all of the critics. Stay firm.

4.) SABBATH!!!
A friend of mine once made this quote, "The call those people workaholics......Or pastors." There is always going to be work to do, so make sure that you take time off and time to refresh, rejuvenate, and renew. (I need to keep saying this to myself.)

5.) You're a church folk too.
Just because we know all of the "tricks" or the "labels" for the church folk doesn't mean that we're excluded from the tricks & labels...You're a church folk too! Personal story: I was participating in a group for awhile and when I stopped going, I didn't hear from anyone for about 3 months after I stopped coming. My first thought? "No one gives a crap whether I go or not!" I've not been back since...I'm a church folk too!

6.) Do it during the honeymoon.
I borrowed this from the book Things They Never Taught You in Seminary (If you don't have this book, get it! PS-- Jim & Debbie Bushfield are leading a workshop at the YASN National Gathering). Don't feel like you have to wait to do something just because you're new. Once a pattern has been set, it's harder to break it. There are a few things that I would like to change now that I put off and there are some battles to fight in order for that to hapen.

7.) Don't come in with an agenda.
As much as you need to "do it during the honeymoon," you need to love the people. If you come in with an agenda, they know. Love the people first and foremost.

8.) Be a leader, not a manager.
Unfortunately, many people in the church don't want a leader, they want a manager. They want someone who will take care of the tasks and not push toward anything. There are exceptions to this, for sure. But when you truly lead, you push forward into something new. But at the same time, don't push just for the sake of pushing. Know what the limits are, but don't let them define what you can and cannot do.

9.) Have Friends!
I have an amazing covenant group-- I don't know where I would be without them. They're some of the first people that I call when I need to vent about a meeting...They're some of the first people that I call when I need to celebrate about something...They're some of the first people that I call when I'm frustrated with life...They are amazing. I'm still working on the whole "local friends" thing-- but having a friend to talk to is such a help!

10.) You're going to lose your name.
Now, I made the decision when I was serving in seminary that I wouldn't go by "Missy" in the church...I go by my formal name, "Melissa"...But I kept the dual identity by being known as Missy in my personal life and Melissa in my professional life. What I wasn't prepared for was losing both of those names and being known as "Pastor"...As in: "Pastor thinks we should do this." or "I talked to Pastor today."

11.) Your heart will break.
You will be invited into the most intimate moments of people's lives...Into the most challenging circumstances...Into the most heartbreaking situations...Be completely present in those times and be there completely for them in their time of need...Your heart will break.

12.) Laugh...A lot...
Sometimes that's all you can do! Laugh...A lot!


I'll think some more and post some more thoughts later...Any that you would like to add?

Empowerment!

Ah, summer is definately upon me as I bask in the glow of the computer screen and know that... I don't have any school work to be doing at this time! Of course that doesn't mean that I'm bored by any stretch of the imagination as I am getting ready to leave for Mississippi on Wednesday. I'm really excited about this conference and not just because I've been working on planning it, but because young adult seminarians from around the country are going to be gathering together to unite! And if you want to talk really and truly...Young Adult Seminarians from around the world (Dana is from Romania!). It's really exciting and I really just want to get down there. But, there are still some loose ends that I wish I could tie up right now, unfortunately the people that I need to talk with are already at our site in Jackson. So, hopefully we can get everything all straightened out by the time the event takes place. YASN is something that I'm passionate about and I know that GBHEM is proud of the work that we're doing, but I really wish that the Church would take notice. Not to take notice in order to gain attention, but to be encouraged that this is the new generation of leaders for the Church and we are excited to be here and we want them to be excited for us.

My ministry is based around empowering young people and I mean young people from children to tweens to teens to college age and beyond. These people need to know that they have a very important place in the Church and the Church needs to welcome them with open arms. I'm tired of churches who claim to want a children's or youth ministry, but when it comes time to actually do something, they back down. I'm not talking about any one church in specific as I hear this over and over from my friends and colleagues. It's very sad and it really breaks my heart. I believe that is why God has called me to this particular ministry. I've been there too and I know what it's like to be told that you can't do something and to feel like you're worthless. But nobody is worthless-- everybody has wonderful gifts and graces and talents and it's up to them how they use them. It's exciting to me when I see a young person's face light up because of something that they just learned about their faith. I know that children and youth have an amazing spirituality, but all too often they are told to suppress it and to hide it because it's not real or they're just being "cute"... It's not just being "cute"--- that's the Holy Spirit moving! If you would let your guard down once in a while, you'd act like that too! Remember that we're supposed to be like children! That means child-like and not child-ish!