I stopped believing in God

2 years ago, I stopped believing in God.... Let me pause & let that sink in...

2 years ago, what I knew about God & what I felt about God were two very different things... I was in a really difficult place... I still believed everything that I knew about God, but my heart was shattered and I didn't want to believe anymore.  Some have talked about the dark night of the soul... This was mine.

Here's the other thing-- I was serving as clergy. There would be mornings that I would talk to my colleague & say that I couldn't pray today in worship... My mantra eventually became, "Preach faith until you've got faith... Fake it until you make it."

Everything was hanging on by a thread... I remember months that I would go see my spiritual director & would just end up a sobbing mess.  I didn't want to not believe, but I couldn't bring myself to enter in fully.

Every time I could feel myself taking one step forward, there would be something else that would knock me off of my feet & I would end up that sobbing mess again.

During this dark night, I will forever be indebted to the friends who listened, supported, loved, and embraced me... Sometimes it was phone calls where I said, "I just don't want to cry alone tonight...Can you just remind me that I'm not alone?"  For those of you who offered nothing but listening ears and words of grace, you saved me & you saved my faith... When I wasn't strong enough, you were & you held onto hope when I thought that there was none.

I wish that there was a magic moment that I could point to & say-- This.  This is when I fell back in love with God.  But there's not... But, I did.  At some point, I reconciled the God of my head & the God of my heart to be the same one... And what it gave me was a deeper more complex understanding of this Divine Being that I have vowed to serve & love.


I used to say that doubt & questions weren't a bad thing...And I thought I believed it.  But, when I was struck with a season of doubt & question, suddenly it didn't seem as comforting... But the truth is...they aren't bad things at all.  What my doubts & questions have forced me to do is come to a deeper & richer & more complex understanding of my faith, of God, and what life is.

There will be other times that my heart will be shattered & my faith will be tested...There will be (there are...) times that I wake up in the morning & my first thought is, "God, I don't want to talk to you today..."

 I have felt recently that it's important for me to start telling this story more publicly... There are those who have heard it & are probably tired of it... And there are those who will probably be shocked & maybe even hurt by it. But maybe there's someone who is wondering or questioning or doubting... And maybe something in my story is a thread of hope to hold onto...

All is not lost.  All is not in vain... Where ever you find yourself... There are people who will be there to support you & love you to the depths of your beings.... And hope is real.